Shock.

People constantly ask us, “Were you SHOCKED when you found out you were having triplets?” This simple question usually insinuates the following:

Were you so infertile that you had to do that IN Veet-Rooo* thing and ended up with three at a time…OR less interestingly, does it really run in your family?

*Just one of the embarrassing attempts at publicly discussing a very private, medical matter – pronounced In Vitro Fertilization. At least know what you are saying before mumbling it into the distance and making up your own weird, botched version of it all…really just wanting to know something that isn’t any of your business anyway*

Every time someone asks us the “were you shocked” question,  I always consider my answer with deep thought and say, “No.” It is the truth. I wasn’t that surprised. To answer everyone’s burning question, NO we did not do In Vitro. YES we (I) were infertile. NO we didn’t put three eggs in. (Nor would we wish one away had we put three eggs in. A guy actually said to Scott once, “I bet you wish you had only put 2 in now!” Ha ha…douche bag). Yes, multiples run in our family … however, we aren’t shy to say we did injections into my belly for five days, followed by big horse pills up my vagina and a shot to make me ovulate…and that’s how we “GOT” three.

The day we had our 1st ultrasound for the triplets was one of the best days of my life. I was NOT surprised. The correct description would be happy. Elated. Thankful. Full of joy. Grateful God chose us to be parents, finally. Grateful the little television screen showed life. Excited for the journey ahead.

And that is honestly how I felt. Scott pretty much felt the same. Shock never entered our system. We had been trying/praying/pleading to have a baby for TWO YEARS, so this moment felt like it was heaven-sent – no matter what road we had to take to get there. It felt

RIGHT. 

If you want to know shock, I will tell you shock. Here goes.

It was a hot, sunny day in July. It was one of those days I felt like all the i’s were dotted and the t’s were crossed in our family. See, they never are, but every once in a while we are blessed with a day that feels like we have it all together. For example, I remember that my hair was actually blown dry and straight and looking decent. The kids were clean and dressed really cute. (I remember all of this because we ran into Scott’s x-girlfriend…and I remember thinking, “Oh, thank you God we don’t look anything remotely like we usually do.”) So on this particular HOT day … we decided to go shopping at the big BOGO sale at Stride Rite at the mall. New fall shoes – nothing takes you back to childhood like new leather for the rolling months of September and October. We forgot the strollers so we actually walked our then 18ish month trio into the SHOE STORE (yikes, they probably have our picture up not welcoming us back) and bought shoes. And somehow all made it back to the van as a family – hot, sweaty, frustrated and hungry – but still happy. It was just one of those mysteriously, joyful and connected family days where you look around and feel like the luckiest girl in the world. They come less the more “toddler” they get, so you learn to savor these moments like a hot fudge sundae with nuts and whipped cream.

As we drove home, I remember sitting in a traffic jam with Elmo on and all the windows down. We had just kung-fu’d our way through a mall trip and I thought this is the perfect time to say it. So I said it.

“Would you legitimately like to try for another baby?”

I don’t really remember Scott’s exact words – but I remember his smile. The smile didn’t say no.

That’s all I remember. So, we gave ourselves six months. If it happened on our own without much anxiety or effort, we would rejoice and accept the challenge/gift/crazy decision. If it didn’t happen in six months, case closed. Beautiful family of five it is.

To us it seemed a win-win…but the control freak in me had been stirring leading up to this family decision. In my mind I thought…you know, it’s probably just the five of us, and that’s OK, BUT…

And I guess that is where the journey began. The journey of letting go and letting God.

I have always known I wanted another baby, I just felt like the table/van/house was missing someone. Sort of like when your husband is gone when you are sleeping in bed. You may be asleep, but you know he is missing. Or on Thanksgiving when you are SO full you may explode…but you couldn’t LIVE without a piece of pie.

I just knew.

Entering this stage of admitting we wanted another life in our lives opened up a can of worm-worries for me. I was paralyzed and nervous (and rightfully so) that we couldn’t get pregnant without fertility medicine. I was terrified if we did, we would suffer loss. I was mostly afraid I would be back to that dark place of “want” again. I was scared it was the wrong decision. I was afraid we would be judged for having another child when we had three very young and very healthy babies. I was confused at the seed of desire because I can barely handle the three I have.

And then I got over it. Well, not all alone. After a lot of counseling, praying and turning every last ugly piece of anxiety and fear over to something bigger than me, I was OK. I really was OK. I wasn’t afraid of every last “what if” I could come up with. I came to a shining place called

FAITH.

I felt a true answer to prayer. It’s called peace about a decision. This is HUGE for a girl who can’t even decide what type of sandwich to order for lunch.

Over the summer my counselor assisted me in the true art of “letting go and letting God.” This may get to be a little spiritually heavy for some of you, but it is part of my story and it is part of my truth. The truth is that when you are a control freak, you are for life. You don’t wake up one day in an Eric Carle book, transformed from the big fat control caterpillar into a beautiful, colorful and calm butterfly. However, you can learn to let go. When you learn to say  to yourself, “It’s OK, no matter what, I’m OK and IT’S OK and someone, something IS bigger than me and IS in charge”, that’s when life happens.

Now what I’m about to say is not a direct outcome of anything I did or didn’t do. (Well not exactly I guess…) It is something I recognize and accept as a pure gift that was meant to be. Something that feels so precious that it may just slip out of our hands because it arrived to us SO differently this time.

2 pink lines.

In our bathroom at 6 am.

One sleepy husband telling me the 2nd line “was too faint to be true.” But I knew. I just knew.

To a girl that waited 2 years…got a million ONE PINK lines…stabbed herself with injections…peed on ovulation sticks…timed intercouse (ack) and timed EVERYTHING…and was sad and in a place of want for a long time…this serendipitous moment …                                        

Now that is shock. 

Under God’s grace we are having baby #4. And I know three babies that will be the best big siblings on the block. We are due around Mother’s Day 2013. You may find some irony with that here. 

Of course every great story has a sequel…when I have a break from napping, crying or eating nachos, I will tell the rest of what real shock can teach you about life. Oh PS, this is the real reason I’m so tired. You didn’t think three toddlers got me down THAT much, did you?

Do Not Give Up

So it’s been awhile. I somehow turned into one of those bloggers that goes missing for weeks on end. Thankfully, I am not missing – just barely swimming. Instead of regular blog posts, I have been trying to keep mouths fed, faces somewhat free of snot and walls and cribs clean from the poop painting that has been going on during naps. Oh, and saying “no” a lot. I can only dream of getting through all the laundry and actually using that pound of meat I bought to make something tasty and homemade with.

I love this blog. I love you, the people I get to connect to through this blog. The dilemma is, loving my three little people and my husband and this blog can get crowded.

This isn’t my resignation letter, this is simply my “hello, I’m still here” but I can barely keep up with myself and family, so you may see less of me until I can get up for air. Katrina’s post the other week on how physical the toddler stage is … it’s true. All true. I’m so blessed, yet so tired. Just tired. Do you have (almost) 2 year olds? Have you had them? Well, you know then.

Let me just say – no one can prepare you for this age…not to mention three of them. No one. So for now, instead of writing about our days – I’m just trying to live the day. I’m sure you understand. The independence, curiosity, defiance, memory, preference and opinions are all something we pray for in our children. Now I am praying on how to handle these things from minute to minute (you can guess those characteristics don’t form in parallel with three small people. This can result in other choice words in describing the state of the mother witnessing all of these current developments).

I am just trying to be a mama. And I’m just trying to breathe. I hope you are too. all

One of my favorite verses that seems to pop up with these babes : (I had this verse, along with a seed, taped to my breast pump when they were newborns – now I should tattoo it to my face- ha!)

Let us not become weary in doing good, for the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up - Galatians 6:9

Toddlers sure can make you weary…but the good news is, if we keep on loving them, they will turn out good…just the way they arrived to us.

Love to you.

PS, I am so sad for everyone on the east coast experiencing damage and fear from the hurricane. My sincere prayers and thoughts go out to you if you are living through the nightmare. I have special prayers for mommies and daddies just trying to protect their young – I pray you find special powers and sweet angels to help you. Please comment if you have suggestions on how/where to donate or help other than the RedCross. Thank you!

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