At this point I am obviously no longer with child…however, this is part of the story. (Birth story in the works) Here is a spoiler alert…she is here and she is beautiful.
I wrote the below post three weeks ago but just never hit publish for some reason. So here are some of my thoughts in my final days of my final pregnancy. Feels surprisingly good to say that with confidence. I am done with the pregnancy chapter. Wow. It was a short but huge chunk of my life.
With a deep inhale and exhale our new chapter begins. Our family is complete. Just the six of us.
May 17, 2013
I feel pretty peaceful. I understand that to everyone else I am alien because I am still pregnant…but so far, I’m OK. (So far.)
I feel peaceful, not smart. So don’t expect much from this post.
Seems so braggy to say 40 weeks and 1 day after the way I use to measure my days with the triplets…”I am 30 something weeks, 3 days and 6 hours…”, just trying to keep them in every hour that I could.
I know this time is so precious and slow and full of emotion, yet I know many of the little sweet, and some sour, details will get lost in the pictures and stories. I wish I could somehow bottle up the final days of rumbling and tumbling fireworks I get in my belly at almost exactly 10 pm every night. Or remember how the older babies are saying each and every new word or sentence right now. Their brains are so fun to watch, it’s hard to imagine they were ever at the start line, like this little mystery inside.
I have been reading a lot of Ina May Gaskin this pregnancy. Her outlook on the organic magic of birth is contagious and the birth stories she shares are gold. She says that birth, no matter how you experience it, will change and transform you forever. I would agree with this, but I would add that the actual seed in your soul to birth, mother and go beyond just yourself is when that transformation happens. So, essentially, something is born in you when you wake up one day and say, “I think I want to dive into that big, ominous and unknown abyss called motherhood.”
I know I will never be the same, and as I approach the birth day of this new soul, I anticipate even more change. Somedays I am really afraid of it and other days I let go of the fear and let it shape me and I can feel really peaceful. The difference this pregnancy is the peace. I loved the excitement of the first pregnancy…but I have to say, this time around – peace takes center stage. I prefer peace over fear or excitement any day. It’s like a safe middle ground that requires way less of me.
So as we sit and wait for fate to show up and change our lives … I can really say I’m, most minutes, sitting in peace. Because you know, when you live in a house managed by three 2 year olds, you are on a minute to minute basis.
And thankfully with that peace comes warm nights to take silent walks, vases of soft purple lilacs, green grass, my Dad’s fresh asparagus and 30 little toes dirty from sand and mud. Fresh spring air can save your soul…especially when you are sharing your soul with a little, new spirit that is sucking a lot of the life from you. I mean sharing life, of course.
So, we sit and wait. I have been contracting for about 10 days, usually with the “good ones” at night. They tend to taper off and come and go throughout the day. Pretty weird, but maybe this baby is just as indecisive as it’s mother. I feel totally fine most of the time, with occasional emotional and hormonal breakdowns. I am thankful I can be on my feet and am able to still do things with the kids. I haven’t been checked for dilation since 37 weeks, so at our 40 week appt today I will get checked to see what is going on down there. I will get “the talk” I’ve been really hoping to avoid – the “if you get to 41 weeks we have to schedule a c-section.” I pray to avoid surgery again, but if that’s how it ends, I will be OK once that baby is in our arms …
Such a cliffhanger around here, I tell you.
Here are some pictures of life around here. Soon, a new face will be part of the canvas. I just can’t wait to see how life changes from this one little person that has no idea how much they are wanted.
Thanks for your love, support and prayers at this BIG time in our lives. Love to you from us!